Coming out…

Today I am coming out.  I have fought this a long time.  I can no longer live a lie.  I have PTSD.  I don’t want your sympathy.  This is not an excuse.  I just want you to understand why I am moody or cranky sometimes.  I deal with this constantly, and usually keep it under control.  This is why no one knows about it.  My PTSD causes heartburn and nightmares in the final stages.  I miss the early warning signs of depression and sensory overload- just blaming it on other stuff.

When I was on the ambulance, I saw too many dead, dying, and critically ill people.  I have been at.  I have been attacked physically and verbally… and I took it all. I took it all and put in a jar on my emotional shelf to deal with LATER. 

Later was last night.  I woke up at 3:12am crying and panting.  Three hours later…I am still freaking out.  I saw the dead bodies again last night… and it sucked because they always die.  And on the inside I am a crying mess.  On the outside, you will never know because this is MY problem…and I have to as one employer told me, “Deal with it.”

How does one deal with doing CPR on a 6 week old infant?  How does one deal with pulling a charred body out of a burned car?  How does one deal with moving 5 unseatbelted bodies trying to find the source of whimpering cry?  How does one deal with witnessing another person go into cardiac arrest and die?  How does one deal with seeing and doing these things countless times in 15 years? 

How do I deal with it?  I ride my bike-a lot.  I listen to Pandora…LOUD- a lot.  I research and try to find ways to increase communication to combat the PTSD- a lot. 

For the record, PTSD sucks.  So, if I am snippy…or listening to music loud, it is one of those days for me.  I should be ok-ish

One Response to “Coming out…”
  1. Shana says:

    You are incredibly brave and I admire that. Your honesty is compelling. Then you do what you must to deal. If it means medication, then get some. If it means therapy, then go. If it means loud music, blast it. If it means exercise, cycle away! Whatever YOU need, because it affects those around you. And if anyone has issues with it, then they can either DEAL with it, or it is time to clean up your friends. 🙂 Praying for you and your family!


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